Every year since he was born, Tara, myself and Phoenix, along with my oldest son get together and have a small visit. I bring him presents, to say happy birthday with, and I watch my boys play together. Last year was especially great. Phoenix would sit on the steps in the play area at McDonald’s and motioned for Nick, my oldest son, to sit with him. He was a hoot, and they had more fun together.
I got to hug him, and sit with him while Tara went to get food. I still remember his first birthday. All of the adoptive family, plus some were there, and I had made a cake-a red velvet with whipped topping for frosting. Well, Phoenix was sitting on his aunt’s lap and he puts a finger on the side, curious as to what this thing was, and sticks it in his mouth. He proceeded to put his whole hand along the side, thus marring the beautiful cake, though, we were all charmed beyond measure by this simple act.
The next year (the year he and Nick played at McDonald’s) Nick brought cookies, which Phoenix loved.
I love my family traditions. This year he will be three and I am excited to buy him birthday/Christmas presents, but also feel sad.
Seeing him, is like a battery charge that lasts me the year. It has also left me with a sadness that lingers for about 2-4 weeks, sucking me dry of joy. I always bounce back but it’s a double edge sword in many ways giving me a moment of joy to reflect on and tearing open the wounds adoption has left. I think even with the pain, I am better though, being able to see him once a year. It reminds me love hasn’t died, that hope still exists and that he is still my bio son.
I cant describe how it feels to hold him in my arms, how much it anchors me as a person. I remember placing him, thinking hope was dead, and believing that my life was over. That lie has been undone, and here I am, patiently waiting to see him. I wonder what his personalty is like, and what he is like in person. I have some notion, thanks to a great open adoption/adoptive family. But knowing and seeing are two different things. I can’t wait to hear his voice, and see his smile. I can’t wait to give him a hug. I can’t wait to tell him happy birthday, and I love you.
My heart is like the calm right now, and I am waiting to see him, even if it is a few weeks away. I wonder if he knows I love him, if he innately knows me. Is that even possible? Sometimes I dream about him, and it’s like he is really there beside me. I think about him everyday, and if I didn’t I think I would lose my mind. He is too much a part of me to not be a part of my heart and life. I love both my boys, and I look forward to our continuing family tradition.
Tara once said, “with Phoenix, you become family”. Lo, the power of words, and of a hug from someone who doesn’t even know exactly how much he means to you. I love open adoption!!
